Remiss

Okay, so I've obviously taken a break from writing. Life has been busy and, to be honest, it's been a hard season. Usually, I love the Christmas season, the joy it holds, the decorations, the hope that we have because of Jesus' birth. In my head, I keep thinking, "I should really be joyful. Because Jesus came, I'll get to see my kids and my sister in Heaven again." Should being the operative word. Not that I don't believe what I'm telling myself, I'm just not feeling it. It's okay, I know I'll get back there at some point. I guess I have hope instead of joy this year.

I finally accomplished something I've been putting off since April - I ordered Logan's headstone. He now has a temporary stone marking his grave. We finally went out to see it and bring flowers last weekend. I felt so at peace seeing his name there. I have been feeling bad about leaving his grave unmarked for months, but wasn't really ready for the closure that comes with ordering the headstone. I'm still working on the design for the final marker, but hope to be done with it this week. That's the goal.

We've all been taking turns being sick over the Christmas break, so I'm really looking forward to getting back into the old routine. Till next week...

Status update

Today I'm getting caught up on my postings. That's why there's more than one showing up if you're wondering. I haven't been writing as often because the words aren't coming as easily. And we've been dealing with getting ready for school to start and all the things that come with the preparation. Mostly though, I'm just in the muck of it. I have to write somewhat retrospectively and I'm just not there yet - on the other side of this particular dip in the valley. Don't worry, I have hope and faith that I'll see the other side. Thanks for your continued prayers.

Grief is not pretty

Tonight I was folding my Bella Band, thinking I should bring it in for consignment and a wave of longing and grief hit me. I miss Logan. And I’m angry that we didn’t get more time. I never even got to change his diaper. A simple act; one that a mom performs thousands of times, never thinking about what a blessing it is. I know I didn’t.

Princess B is the baby of a friend that is 5 days older than Logan would be. She smiles and rolled over on Sunday for the first time. Logan would be doing those kinds of things if he’d been healthy. Instead, I have a small tub from the hospital with baby shampoo and lotion that was used once. It sits on my nightstand mocking me. At some point, I’ll probably put them away but for now they are there to remind me - that no so long ago, I had this little blessing inside me that my arms ache to hold again.

As I sit crying, writing this, a song from church pops in my head as though God is telling me that even in this I need to praise him. I’m not sure of the title, but the lyrics (to my best recollection) are:

You are stronger. You are stronger.
Sin is broken, You have saved me.
It is written. Christ is risen.
Jesus, you are Lord of all.

The importance of God

Life has been so busy lately. We taken a few overnight trips to the beach, been at three Vacation Bible Schools, a weekly library activity, and a week and a half of Safety camp for E. I had planned to keep the kids busy through the summer so they wouldn’t get bored or fight as much, but I think I overshot it a bit. There have been weeks where we were hardly home.

B and I went to a day camp last Saturday put on by the local hospice service. It was a full day of talking about loss, learning how to deal with our own grieving and guide our kids through that same process. It was helpful and I got a lot of insight into how B might perceive Logan’s death from a seven-year-old’s perspective. The one thing that was missing from the teaching was God. They tried to stay pretty neutral on the subject and it was not a faith-based institution sponsoring the event, so I expected as much, but it’s so hard to talk about loss without including the hope of Christ. It was like going to a seminar about baking and never getting to see something come out of the oven.

There were a lot of people there that were Christians and talked pretty openly about faith, but about half did not. There seemed to be a deeper sadness felt by those that weren’t believers. This is completely subjective of course. I guess it’s a good reminder that so much of my healing is all about God.

Struggling

I have been trying not to be angry. Even before we knew about Logan’s diagnosis, I made a decision I was not going to be angry at God. I didn’t want my faith to be affected in a negative way by Logan’s death. Today, I had a realization that it’s okay to be angry about Logan’s death because God is probably angry too. He didn’t intend for us to be separated from one another by death. That’s why this feels so unnatural and difficult. It was never supposed to be this way and wasn’t, until sin entered the world. I’ve decided that it’s okay to be angry because my anger isn’t directed at God, but at sin. Sin is the cause of my pain - in more ways than this one.

When it rains...

I haven’t blogged in a while partly because life has been so busy and partly because I haven’t felt led to. (I didn’t want you to worry.) But for the past week, I’ve been composing things in my mind.

You know how you have those times where you know you’re being tested and others where you can see it retrospectively? That’s where we’re sitting right now...the former. A week ago I was attending B’s last track practice chatting with another mom when I heard screaming coming from the end of the field. You know how you can recognize your child’s scream among a crowd? Well, this was one of those moments. B was being carried by a friend’s dad and holding her arm. She had tripped over a hurdle during practice and clearly broken it. We rushed to the ER and spent the next 2 ½ hours waiting to see the doctor with only an ice pack. According to an EMT there, it was a banner day for visits. Did I mention it was also the last day of school?

Anyway, we finally got to see the doctor who quickly referred us to the orthopedic doctor who was being called in. Why they couldn’t have looked at her x-ray, verified the break, and called the doctor in earlier I’ll never know. The anesthesiologist came and put B out so the orthopedic physician could reduce and set her arm. I think she’d been screaming for about 45 minutes at that point and we were so relieved to see her out of pain. I have never felt such gratitude since seeing the anesthesiologist when I was in labor. He was the highlight of the trip. To sum up, she now has a bright blue cast on her arm for the next 5 weeks, but is doing better all the time.

Now for this week - my DH came home on Monday to let me know that he’s been laid off. We have no idea how long this layoff is going to last, but are really trying to brainstorm and pray A LOT. I’m sure you can imagine how unsettling this is for a one-income household, especially in the wake of our medical issues. God is faithful and He is good. That’s what I keep repeating to myself. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we face this new test.

Hiding

I've been thinking about blogging for a while, but to be honest, I've been hiding. I wouldn't say I've so much turned away from God but I've been hiding out, not wanting to deal with anything. God has not turned away from me though. I know He's still here waiting patiently for me to turn back to Him. I'm just not experiencing Him fully as I can when I surrender to Him. Sorry if that doesn't make sense - it's logical in my own head.

I think I've been hiding because the main feeling I've been having lately is anger. It's an uncomfortable feeling, especially because it's not really directed at someone that I can work on resolving it with like you would any other situation. I don't blame God for what happened to Logan. I fully believe He could have healed him and allowed it to happen for what is probably many reasons. I also know He is sovereign and wants what is best for us. That being said, I don't agree. I would much rather have my child alive and in my arms, than holding onto a brief memory and an empty blanket. Like I've said, life is messy right now. On that note, I want to thank you. It really helps to write this out - get it out of my head - and know that others care and are praying for us.

Life goes on and it's a good thing, but there is still a part of me that is standing still. A part of me that notices every baby that goes by and sees it as a reminder of what is waiting for me in Heaven.

Later...

I took a break to attend church and feel much less disconnected than I have in a while. Going back to my last post, I have an idea. I'm going to try to listen more closely for the Holy Spirit's "voice," whether he leads me to get down on my knees in prayer at any given moment, to perform an act of kindness, or to pray for someone who is on my mind. I warn you so that if we're in conversation and I suddenly get down on my knees, you won't think I've lost it...

7 weeks out

We've been having some computer problems so I'm a little behind in writing. To be honest, I'm in a place where I'm feeling a little dry and am not sure I have much to say. God felt so close through most of my pregnancy and for the first couple weeks after Logan's death. I could actually sense His presence comforting me. Now, at times, it feels like He has forgotten me. I usually tell myself that God doesn't leave so I must have moved, but in this case, I think it's not that I've moved but that God has stepped away to lead me somewhere else. I guess this is to be continued...

I have come to realize what a comfort my friends are through this, especially those that have walked this path before me. There is a sense of loneliness in going through this -- actually, I think grief in general makes you feel isolated. Perhaps it's just one of those lies that the Father of Lies tells us - that no one understands and we are forgotten. Hmmm. Anyway, I have had this reoccurring thought about something I heard Shiela Walsh say at a Women of Faith conference some years ago - our scars are not for us, but for others - they are there to help other people. I'm seeing this in action as people that have offered to share their stories with me. It is so comforting to know others have been here and are able to heal.

Grateful

Last night we went to church and during one of the songs I became overwhelmed with a thought that has stayed with me - we were so blessed to have had Logan join our family. Yes, we were blessed to have gotten pregnant, but we had this child who will never be tainted by this world. I know we're all born with a sinful nature, but in my eyes he was truly holy.

I just remembered a prayer request that God answered. All throughout this pregnancy, we had been praying we wouldn't have to make any hard decisions (i.e. whether or not to have him early because his heart rate had slowed and he might pass away or have a medical complication that affected my health.) God absolutely answered that request. We didn't have time to make decisions. He took care of it all. Of course, given the choice I would have preferred to have the birth go a little slower so I could have packed my own bag for the hospital and truly felt ready, but I'm a little controlling like that.

Praise you Father! You knew we had enough to deal with and didn't make us take on more. You knew that having that time with Logan would be so important for our healing. I am so grateful...

Catching up...

I may not do this often, but since I've been journaling rather than blogging, thought I'd post some of my past entries.

Today we got Logan's pictures from Carole Sebens. She was the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that came to the hospital. I don't think I've mentioned it, but God's hand was even in this detail. I didn't know her previously, but Carole was a part of my Tuesday morning Bible Study. It's a large group, but I recognized her when she came to the hospital. The pictures are beautiful and capture a few of the moments I've been trying to hold onto. It all happened so fast that I'm still trying to hold onto details before they slip away.

Nighttime is usually the hardest for me. The house is quiet and the feelings of sadness can be overwhelming. I often will go to bed with Tony so I don't have to be alone. Somehow, it's less scary to feel those feelings when I'm with him. However, lately I have become more aware of God's arms surrounding me, especially at night. Not that God doesn't love me and want to comfort me anyway, but I attribute it to your prayers of comfort as well. Thank you my friends...

Lately...

Sorry I haven't written lately. Things are a little raw and I'm not sure it would make sense if I put it all down anyway. One minute, I’m heartbroken, another I’m just grateful for the time we had. I'm finding that grief is humbling - you can't just continue on as normal. Sometimes I'm okay and then break into tears without notice. Honestly, the hardest part right now is that I have moments where I think of what I "should be" doing with Logan right now. I should be feeding him, changing diapers, and exhausted from getting up with him at night, rather than grieving. I find that I want the world to just stop for a while. I need some time to grieve and figure out how to “be” without Logan’s kicks reminding me that he is still alive. But the kids still need me and the bills still need to get paid.

On a good note, my milk finally dried up so that has made me a little more comfortable and I can successfully climb the stairs on my own.

A big thank you to our friends and family. We have been so blessed by your meals, help with the kids, encouragement, and prayers - I can't thank you enough. We knew we had great friends but have been just overwhelmed with your continued kindness.

All I can say is that God is good and I know He will get us through this.

Logan's birth

Logan came a little sooner than we planned. I woke up Wednesday morning on April 1st in labor. I figured it was just another round of false labor, so I planned to get the kids to school and then deal with it. As I was pulling out of the driveway, I realized that the 3 minute pattern wasn't changing (contraction for about 30 seconds every 3 minutes). In between contractions, I got B dropped off at school and quickly realized that things weren't slowing down. The doctor's office couldn't fit me in until the afternoon so I let them know I was heading over to the hospital. No, I didn't drive myself - although I toyed with the idea. I was able to get E to school early and headed home to wait for my Dad to come to my rescue. I can't remember the trip to the hospital ever being so long.

I typically have really long labors (as in days) so I wasn't too concerned until the nurse announced I was at a "9." My dad calmly informed Tony he'd better head our way and, minutes later, I was being whisked away to the operating room. We waited as long as possible and then they informed me that they had to get started. Tony arrived about 10 minutes after Logan's birth so we were able to spend the 90 minutes of his short life just loving on him. He was the sweetest, softest child I have ever held in my arms. Don't get me wrong, holding my other kids was wonderful, but this was like holding something Heavenly. He cooed, grabbed my finger, and looked around a little. We kissed him, stroked his face and told him how brave he was. This kid was a fighter. At this point, he'd been dealing with low amniotic fluid since December and at some point the encephlocele had deflated, which means he didn't have long. As the doctors were finishing me up, Logan took a few gasps and was gone.

We headed to our room, knowing Logan was in the arms of Jesus and at peace. Shortly thereafter, our parents, the kids, and some great friends arrived to support us and meet Logan. We had a wonderful photographer from Now I Lay me Down to Sleep come and take pictures of Logan and friends and family. Two of the best friends a girl could have, Sherry and Christy, patiently put handprints and footprints on a Christmas ornament, in clay, and took moldings of the same. Logan had 6 fingers on each hand and 6 toes on each foot along with club feet, but they were so cute.

It was one of the most blessed and awful days of my life. The last 9 months have been hard, knowing at first that we might lose him, and later, knowing it was very likely. However, those 90 minutes with him were absolutely worth it. I can't even explain how precious it was.

As you might imagine, we're all a bit of a mess around here. It will get better with time and God's grace, but for now, it's pretty messy. I honestly thought this would be easier because we've been kind of grieving all along, but that has not been the case. I know if we can just get through the next couple of weeks, things will get a little easier. We're having the burial service at 1:00 on Wednesday with the Memorial Service planned for Friday. I expect that this week will be especially difficult, but we have great friends and family lifting us up continually. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. I can't tell you how much your encouragement means.

I should write more often..

To catch up...There have been a lot of ups and downs lately. I guess that's expected the closer I get to my due date.

Tuesday night I started having contractions 1 minute long with a minute break in between. This lasted about an hour and a half and we were trying to decide whether to head to the hospital or not. I had forgotten how much back labor hurt. I decided to try different things to relieve them because I wasn't packed yet. Silly, I know. I ended up going to bed and they finally stopped.

Thursday I got an email from a good friend that indicated she was still praying for healing for Logan. I realized that I've already decided what I think God's answer will be even though He hasn't answered me. Who am I to predict His actions? I know that we need to prepare for the worst because it is a possibility, but we need to leave the door open to the possibility that He will heal him. I spent the night looking up verses about healing and was filled with a peace that can only come from God.

Today, I am clinging to that peace. A good friend of mine had a baby at the very hospital I will be delivering at in the next 3 weeks. We went to visit her and welcome the new addition. I am excited for her. I really am. But I started sobbing when we got out to the parking lot. I told my husband that I don't want to come back to the hospital - like whatever happens will be changed by not going to the hospital. I have good memories there, both of my kids were born there. But being there today...was painful.

My daughter has already started praying every night that if God doesn't heal baby Logan, that He'll help us get over being sad really quickly. I tried to explain that it's normal to be sad when someone dies. I wonder if in her seven-year-old eyes she sees that he will be going to Heaven to be with Jesus so it's not really that sad. I'm not saying her perspective is wrong - it is the eternal one, but I'm going to have to work on it...

New developments - may be tmi

Okay, I know it's only been a day since my last post, but these days, nothing stays the same for long. Yesterday, I was pondering the realities of either being induced early and giving birth to a breech baby (ouch) or having a C-section. Today, those scenarios seem much more real - my "plug" came out and I'm having pretty strong contractions anytime I'm not laying down.

I'm such a planner - it seems God is trying to teach me how to hold this situation loosely. Every time I've gone to the doctor (which is every 2 weeks), something changes. I sure am stubborn sometimes - you think I would be good at this by now. Good thing God is patient.

Dr appointment - 34 weeks

I was apprehensive about today. Doctor appointment days are always hard. This one was my last appointment with the doctor before she leaves the country. We tried to plan for the different contingencies as best as possible, but I have to say, it was awful. It's like planning your child's death. There's no good way to do it and it's hard to make decisions, knowing that you may regret them later. At this point, if Logan makes it to April 16th, she'll do a C-section that day. If he passes away sooner, they'll induce me. We've been pondering the options for months, but today, in talking about the details - it became very real. Four weeks - that's all I have left. On one hand, this has been the longest pregnancy, but on the other - no amount of time with him will be enough. I hate this and there's nothing that can make it any easier. Lord, help me to see your glory in this...

Lately...warning rant coming on

Okay, this may be a bit of a downer, but I started this blog in an attempt to help others who might find themselves in a similar situation and this is the truth of where I've been the last couple of days. I feel overwhelmed. With my due date looming ahead, I find that I want just one day of normalcy where I don't have to think about all the things I still need to do: get maternity pictures taken, determine a C-section date, plan a funeral... I think going out to the cemetary touched off this feeling of it all being too much. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel this way all day, but in the quietness of the house it starts creeping up on me.

I've had my brighter moments in the past few weeks too. The elders of our church prayed over me and annointed me with oil. It was wonderful and one of those moments that I know I'll always remember. Also, I contacted our pastor who has been on a medical journey of his own. He has been a real inspiration to me and even wrote an encouraging email back the next day. If you knew his condition, you'd understand just how amazing that is.

Lately, I've been coasting along, relying on others prayers for me. Perhaps, it's time to me to take up the fight again myself...

Tired at 32 weeks

I keep meaning to blog because there's so much to tell, but to be honest - I'm exhausted. Our family has been hit with a barrage of illnesses - strep throat, fever, ear infection (2x), sinus infection (3x), and pink eye to name the most recent. I'm sure the usual 3rd trimester weariness is playing a part; however, I think the biggest factor is what God has been doing in me. Sometimes, I give in/accept change rather well and, others not so graciously.

This time, I'm really trying to obey but finding it challenging. I had a freak out moment(s) when we found out that the amniotic fluid level dropped from a 7 to a 4.9. If Logan runs out of fluid, he’ll pass away prior to his due date. We had been planning in what little ways we could for a live birth up to this point, so I was devastated. I spent the day panicked. Then, a good friend sent me an email reminding me that no matter what decisions I or the doctor made, that Logan’s life and its timing was in God’s hands.

Since then, God has filled me with a peace that surpasses my circumstances.

The closer we get, the more time flies...

I'm almost 31 weeks and I'm not sure where the time went. It seems like my April due date is just around the corner. We've been able to confirm that Logan is breech (with little chance that he'll turn), so it appears a C-section is the way to go. It also increases our chance of having a live birth if he makes it that far.

We had a bit of a scare health-wise last week. The doctor thought I might have gall stones and ordered an ultrasound which came back negative. I think the stress of it all is getting to me and causing stomach pain as well as other infirmities. She was also looking to verify baby's position, as well as amniotic fluid level. I'm still waiting to hear back on the fluid level. We want to do our best to ensure he'll be alive at the birth so we'll get a little time with him. I'm told if the fluid decreases enough, he will pass away so we need to keep an eye on it.

Since my last update, I have emailed a contact at our church to request that they (as a church) pray for us. It's part of my "going public" with this trial we're in. Stepping out in faith...

28 weeks

Today God woke me up at 4 am. How do I know it was God you may be asking. Well, I AM NOT a morning person and not only did I wake up, but I felt called to open my Bible and read. For some reason, I began crying and saying to God, "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it." It's not that I don't have a reason to cry because this whole situation is pretty sad, but I was sobbing but not really feeling sad. It's hard to describe. Anyway, I feel like God is calling me to go public with this situation we're in. So far, I've told my friends and family, and anyone that I have regular contact with, but we haven't shared it with our church or anyone outside of the above groups. I guess I don't want to feel like I'm being talked about and have a tendency to keep certain things within my own group of friends.

Lately, I've been praying that God will show us a way to go through this in a way that honors Him. I'm guessing this is a step in that direction because it's definitely outside of my comfort zone...

27 weeks

At the moment, I'm going in to see the Dr every 2 weeks. I was having some trouble with my blood pressure being too high, but now it's only slightly high so I'm not sure why she's having me come in so often but it's nice to get an update. At last check, I was measuring 3 weeks ahead of schedule. Baby's heart rate had been in the 150's but has dropped to the 130's in the last month. I'm told it's still within normal range, but it seems odd to me. I'm still feeling baby's movements but they seem to be confined to specific periods, alot of movement then nothing for the rest of the day. This pregnancy has been so unlike my others it's hard to know what to expect.

I'm doing okay most of the time. Lately, I've been feeling pressure to get "final arrangements" made, but I'm really resisting it. Perhaps I'm back in a stage of denial hoping this'll all go away and I can have a healthy child. I'm finding that I'm still drawn to babies but am not making an effort to pick them up. I offered a friend some of our baby stuff as she got rid of hers - thinking they were done. I was fine until I starting thinking about the crib; for some reason it holds more emotion for me and I can't even talk about it without welling up. I keep reminding myself that it's normal to feel sadness at times and that this isn't supposed to be easy, but I still feel frustrated with this process.