I should write more often..

To catch up...There have been a lot of ups and downs lately. I guess that's expected the closer I get to my due date.

Tuesday night I started having contractions 1 minute long with a minute break in between. This lasted about an hour and a half and we were trying to decide whether to head to the hospital or not. I had forgotten how much back labor hurt. I decided to try different things to relieve them because I wasn't packed yet. Silly, I know. I ended up going to bed and they finally stopped.

Thursday I got an email from a good friend that indicated she was still praying for healing for Logan. I realized that I've already decided what I think God's answer will be even though He hasn't answered me. Who am I to predict His actions? I know that we need to prepare for the worst because it is a possibility, but we need to leave the door open to the possibility that He will heal him. I spent the night looking up verses about healing and was filled with a peace that can only come from God.

Today, I am clinging to that peace. A good friend of mine had a baby at the very hospital I will be delivering at in the next 3 weeks. We went to visit her and welcome the new addition. I am excited for her. I really am. But I started sobbing when we got out to the parking lot. I told my husband that I don't want to come back to the hospital - like whatever happens will be changed by not going to the hospital. I have good memories there, both of my kids were born there. But being there today...was painful.

My daughter has already started praying every night that if God doesn't heal baby Logan, that He'll help us get over being sad really quickly. I tried to explain that it's normal to be sad when someone dies. I wonder if in her seven-year-old eyes she sees that he will be going to Heaven to be with Jesus so it's not really that sad. I'm not saying her perspective is wrong - it is the eternal one, but I'm going to have to work on it...

New developments - may be tmi

Okay, I know it's only been a day since my last post, but these days, nothing stays the same for long. Yesterday, I was pondering the realities of either being induced early and giving birth to a breech baby (ouch) or having a C-section. Today, those scenarios seem much more real - my "plug" came out and I'm having pretty strong contractions anytime I'm not laying down.

I'm such a planner - it seems God is trying to teach me how to hold this situation loosely. Every time I've gone to the doctor (which is every 2 weeks), something changes. I sure am stubborn sometimes - you think I would be good at this by now. Good thing God is patient.

Dr appointment - 34 weeks

I was apprehensive about today. Doctor appointment days are always hard. This one was my last appointment with the doctor before she leaves the country. We tried to plan for the different contingencies as best as possible, but I have to say, it was awful. It's like planning your child's death. There's no good way to do it and it's hard to make decisions, knowing that you may regret them later. At this point, if Logan makes it to April 16th, she'll do a C-section that day. If he passes away sooner, they'll induce me. We've been pondering the options for months, but today, in talking about the details - it became very real. Four weeks - that's all I have left. On one hand, this has been the longest pregnancy, but on the other - no amount of time with him will be enough. I hate this and there's nothing that can make it any easier. Lord, help me to see your glory in this...

Lately...warning rant coming on

Okay, this may be a bit of a downer, but I started this blog in an attempt to help others who might find themselves in a similar situation and this is the truth of where I've been the last couple of days. I feel overwhelmed. With my due date looming ahead, I find that I want just one day of normalcy where I don't have to think about all the things I still need to do: get maternity pictures taken, determine a C-section date, plan a funeral... I think going out to the cemetary touched off this feeling of it all being too much. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel this way all day, but in the quietness of the house it starts creeping up on me.

I've had my brighter moments in the past few weeks too. The elders of our church prayed over me and annointed me with oil. It was wonderful and one of those moments that I know I'll always remember. Also, I contacted our pastor who has been on a medical journey of his own. He has been a real inspiration to me and even wrote an encouraging email back the next day. If you knew his condition, you'd understand just how amazing that is.

Lately, I've been coasting along, relying on others prayers for me. Perhaps, it's time to me to take up the fight again myself...

Tired at 32 weeks

I keep meaning to blog because there's so much to tell, but to be honest - I'm exhausted. Our family has been hit with a barrage of illnesses - strep throat, fever, ear infection (2x), sinus infection (3x), and pink eye to name the most recent. I'm sure the usual 3rd trimester weariness is playing a part; however, I think the biggest factor is what God has been doing in me. Sometimes, I give in/accept change rather well and, others not so graciously.

This time, I'm really trying to obey but finding it challenging. I had a freak out moment(s) when we found out that the amniotic fluid level dropped from a 7 to a 4.9. If Logan runs out of fluid, he’ll pass away prior to his due date. We had been planning in what little ways we could for a live birth up to this point, so I was devastated. I spent the day panicked. Then, a good friend sent me an email reminding me that no matter what decisions I or the doctor made, that Logan’s life and its timing was in God’s hands.

Since then, God has filled me with a peace that surpasses my circumstances.