Status update

Today I'm getting caught up on my postings. That's why there's more than one showing up if you're wondering. I haven't been writing as often because the words aren't coming as easily. And we've been dealing with getting ready for school to start and all the things that come with the preparation. Mostly though, I'm just in the muck of it. I have to write somewhat retrospectively and I'm just not there yet - on the other side of this particular dip in the valley. Don't worry, I have hope and faith that I'll see the other side. Thanks for your continued prayers.

Grief is not pretty

Tonight I was folding my Bella Band, thinking I should bring it in for consignment and a wave of longing and grief hit me. I miss Logan. And I’m angry that we didn’t get more time. I never even got to change his diaper. A simple act; one that a mom performs thousands of times, never thinking about what a blessing it is. I know I didn’t.

Princess B is the baby of a friend that is 5 days older than Logan would be. She smiles and rolled over on Sunday for the first time. Logan would be doing those kinds of things if he’d been healthy. Instead, I have a small tub from the hospital with baby shampoo and lotion that was used once. It sits on my nightstand mocking me. At some point, I’ll probably put them away but for now they are there to remind me - that no so long ago, I had this little blessing inside me that my arms ache to hold again.

As I sit crying, writing this, a song from church pops in my head as though God is telling me that even in this I need to praise him. I’m not sure of the title, but the lyrics (to my best recollection) are:

You are stronger. You are stronger.
Sin is broken, You have saved me.
It is written. Christ is risen.
Jesus, you are Lord of all.