Leaning on the Lord...

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5&6

Let us then approach the throne of grace with assurance, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Grief is not pretty

Tonight I was folding my Bella Band, thinking I should bring it in for consignment and a wave of longing and grief hit me. I miss Logan. And I’m angry that we didn’t get more time. I never even got to change his diaper. A simple act; one that a mom performs thousands of times, never thinking about what a blessing it is. I know I didn’t.

Princess B is the baby of a friend that is 5 days older than Logan would be. She smiles and rolled over on Sunday for the first time. Logan would be doing those kinds of things if he’d been healthy. Instead, I have a small tub from the hospital with baby shampoo and lotion that was used once. It sits on my nightstand mocking me. At some point, I’ll probably put them away but for now they are there to remind me - that no so long ago, I had this little blessing inside me that my arms ache to hold again.

As I sit crying, writing this, a song from church pops in my head as though God is telling me that even in this I need to praise him. I’m not sure of the title, but the lyrics (to my best recollection) are:

You are stronger. You are stronger.
Sin is broken, You have saved me.
It is written. Christ is risen.
Jesus, you are Lord of all.

1 comment:

Rooted Renaissance Girl said...

Another Hillsong blessing. God has blessed them with the ability to put Godly truth in words and put it to music in the most amazing way.
No, grief does not feel pretty does it?! And it rears it's head at the oddest times. I think back-to-school would bring up emotions since you were pregnant with him last year this time. Each time it hits, remember to pause for yourself, take time to reflect on Logan, and pray to God for the strength to get through this valley. I was just thinking about Logan myself when the song "I Will Rise" was on the radio Friday.