Hiding

I've been thinking about blogging for a while, but to be honest, I've been hiding. I wouldn't say I've so much turned away from God but I've been hiding out, not wanting to deal with anything. God has not turned away from me though. I know He's still here waiting patiently for me to turn back to Him. I'm just not experiencing Him fully as I can when I surrender to Him. Sorry if that doesn't make sense - it's logical in my own head.

I think I've been hiding because the main feeling I've been having lately is anger. It's an uncomfortable feeling, especially because it's not really directed at someone that I can work on resolving it with like you would any other situation. I don't blame God for what happened to Logan. I fully believe He could have healed him and allowed it to happen for what is probably many reasons. I also know He is sovereign and wants what is best for us. That being said, I don't agree. I would much rather have my child alive and in my arms, than holding onto a brief memory and an empty blanket. Like I've said, life is messy right now. On that note, I want to thank you. It really helps to write this out - get it out of my head - and know that others care and are praying for us.

Life goes on and it's a good thing, but there is still a part of me that is standing still. A part of me that notices every baby that goes by and sees it as a reminder of what is waiting for me in Heaven.

Later...

I took a break to attend church and feel much less disconnected than I have in a while. Going back to my last post, I have an idea. I'm going to try to listen more closely for the Holy Spirit's "voice," whether he leads me to get down on my knees in prayer at any given moment, to perform an act of kindness, or to pray for someone who is on my mind. I warn you so that if we're in conversation and I suddenly get down on my knees, you won't think I've lost it...

7 weeks out

We've been having some computer problems so I'm a little behind in writing. To be honest, I'm in a place where I'm feeling a little dry and am not sure I have much to say. God felt so close through most of my pregnancy and for the first couple weeks after Logan's death. I could actually sense His presence comforting me. Now, at times, it feels like He has forgotten me. I usually tell myself that God doesn't leave so I must have moved, but in this case, I think it's not that I've moved but that God has stepped away to lead me somewhere else. I guess this is to be continued...

I have come to realize what a comfort my friends are through this, especially those that have walked this path before me. There is a sense of loneliness in going through this -- actually, I think grief in general makes you feel isolated. Perhaps it's just one of those lies that the Father of Lies tells us - that no one understands and we are forgotten. Hmmm. Anyway, I have had this reoccurring thought about something I heard Shiela Walsh say at a Women of Faith conference some years ago - our scars are not for us, but for others - they are there to help other people. I'm seeing this in action as people that have offered to share their stories with me. It is so comforting to know others have been here and are able to heal.