Hiding

I've been thinking about blogging for a while, but to be honest, I've been hiding. I wouldn't say I've so much turned away from God but I've been hiding out, not wanting to deal with anything. God has not turned away from me though. I know He's still here waiting patiently for me to turn back to Him. I'm just not experiencing Him fully as I can when I surrender to Him. Sorry if that doesn't make sense - it's logical in my own head.

I think I've been hiding because the main feeling I've been having lately is anger. It's an uncomfortable feeling, especially because it's not really directed at someone that I can work on resolving it with like you would any other situation. I don't blame God for what happened to Logan. I fully believe He could have healed him and allowed it to happen for what is probably many reasons. I also know He is sovereign and wants what is best for us. That being said, I don't agree. I would much rather have my child alive and in my arms, than holding onto a brief memory and an empty blanket. Like I've said, life is messy right now. On that note, I want to thank you. It really helps to write this out - get it out of my head - and know that others care and are praying for us.

Life goes on and it's a good thing, but there is still a part of me that is standing still. A part of me that notices every baby that goes by and sees it as a reminder of what is waiting for me in Heaven.

Later...

I took a break to attend church and feel much less disconnected than I have in a while. Going back to my last post, I have an idea. I'm going to try to listen more closely for the Holy Spirit's "voice," whether he leads me to get down on my knees in prayer at any given moment, to perform an act of kindness, or to pray for someone who is on my mind. I warn you so that if we're in conversation and I suddenly get down on my knees, you won't think I've lost it...

7 weeks out

We've been having some computer problems so I'm a little behind in writing. To be honest, I'm in a place where I'm feeling a little dry and am not sure I have much to say. God felt so close through most of my pregnancy and for the first couple weeks after Logan's death. I could actually sense His presence comforting me. Now, at times, it feels like He has forgotten me. I usually tell myself that God doesn't leave so I must have moved, but in this case, I think it's not that I've moved but that God has stepped away to lead me somewhere else. I guess this is to be continued...

I have come to realize what a comfort my friends are through this, especially those that have walked this path before me. There is a sense of loneliness in going through this -- actually, I think grief in general makes you feel isolated. Perhaps it's just one of those lies that the Father of Lies tells us - that no one understands and we are forgotten. Hmmm. Anyway, I have had this reoccurring thought about something I heard Shiela Walsh say at a Women of Faith conference some years ago - our scars are not for us, but for others - they are there to help other people. I'm seeing this in action as people that have offered to share their stories with me. It is so comforting to know others have been here and are able to heal.

Grateful

Last night we went to church and during one of the songs I became overwhelmed with a thought that has stayed with me - we were so blessed to have had Logan join our family. Yes, we were blessed to have gotten pregnant, but we had this child who will never be tainted by this world. I know we're all born with a sinful nature, but in my eyes he was truly holy.

I just remembered a prayer request that God answered. All throughout this pregnancy, we had been praying we wouldn't have to make any hard decisions (i.e. whether or not to have him early because his heart rate had slowed and he might pass away or have a medical complication that affected my health.) God absolutely answered that request. We didn't have time to make decisions. He took care of it all. Of course, given the choice I would have preferred to have the birth go a little slower so I could have packed my own bag for the hospital and truly felt ready, but I'm a little controlling like that.

Praise you Father! You knew we had enough to deal with and didn't make us take on more. You knew that having that time with Logan would be so important for our healing. I am so grateful...

Catching up...

I may not do this often, but since I've been journaling rather than blogging, thought I'd post some of my past entries.

Today we got Logan's pictures from Carole Sebens. She was the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep that came to the hospital. I don't think I've mentioned it, but God's hand was even in this detail. I didn't know her previously, but Carole was a part of my Tuesday morning Bible Study. It's a large group, but I recognized her when she came to the hospital. The pictures are beautiful and capture a few of the moments I've been trying to hold onto. It all happened so fast that I'm still trying to hold onto details before they slip away.

Nighttime is usually the hardest for me. The house is quiet and the feelings of sadness can be overwhelming. I often will go to bed with Tony so I don't have to be alone. Somehow, it's less scary to feel those feelings when I'm with him. However, lately I have become more aware of God's arms surrounding me, especially at night. Not that God doesn't love me and want to comfort me anyway, but I attribute it to your prayers of comfort as well. Thank you my friends...

Lately...

Sorry I haven't written lately. Things are a little raw and I'm not sure it would make sense if I put it all down anyway. One minute, I’m heartbroken, another I’m just grateful for the time we had. I'm finding that grief is humbling - you can't just continue on as normal. Sometimes I'm okay and then break into tears without notice. Honestly, the hardest part right now is that I have moments where I think of what I "should be" doing with Logan right now. I should be feeding him, changing diapers, and exhausted from getting up with him at night, rather than grieving. I find that I want the world to just stop for a while. I need some time to grieve and figure out how to “be” without Logan’s kicks reminding me that he is still alive. But the kids still need me and the bills still need to get paid.

On a good note, my milk finally dried up so that has made me a little more comfortable and I can successfully climb the stairs on my own.

A big thank you to our friends and family. We have been so blessed by your meals, help with the kids, encouragement, and prayers - I can't thank you enough. We knew we had great friends but have been just overwhelmed with your continued kindness.

All I can say is that God is good and I know He will get us through this.

Logan's birth

Logan came a little sooner than we planned. I woke up Wednesday morning on April 1st in labor. I figured it was just another round of false labor, so I planned to get the kids to school and then deal with it. As I was pulling out of the driveway, I realized that the 3 minute pattern wasn't changing (contraction for about 30 seconds every 3 minutes). In between contractions, I got B dropped off at school and quickly realized that things weren't slowing down. The doctor's office couldn't fit me in until the afternoon so I let them know I was heading over to the hospital. No, I didn't drive myself - although I toyed with the idea. I was able to get E to school early and headed home to wait for my Dad to come to my rescue. I can't remember the trip to the hospital ever being so long.

I typically have really long labors (as in days) so I wasn't too concerned until the nurse announced I was at a "9." My dad calmly informed Tony he'd better head our way and, minutes later, I was being whisked away to the operating room. We waited as long as possible and then they informed me that they had to get started. Tony arrived about 10 minutes after Logan's birth so we were able to spend the 90 minutes of his short life just loving on him. He was the sweetest, softest child I have ever held in my arms. Don't get me wrong, holding my other kids was wonderful, but this was like holding something Heavenly. He cooed, grabbed my finger, and looked around a little. We kissed him, stroked his face and told him how brave he was. This kid was a fighter. At this point, he'd been dealing with low amniotic fluid since December and at some point the encephlocele had deflated, which means he didn't have long. As the doctors were finishing me up, Logan took a few gasps and was gone.

We headed to our room, knowing Logan was in the arms of Jesus and at peace. Shortly thereafter, our parents, the kids, and some great friends arrived to support us and meet Logan. We had a wonderful photographer from Now I Lay me Down to Sleep come and take pictures of Logan and friends and family. Two of the best friends a girl could have, Sherry and Christy, patiently put handprints and footprints on a Christmas ornament, in clay, and took moldings of the same. Logan had 6 fingers on each hand and 6 toes on each foot along with club feet, but they were so cute.

It was one of the most blessed and awful days of my life. The last 9 months have been hard, knowing at first that we might lose him, and later, knowing it was very likely. However, those 90 minutes with him were absolutely worth it. I can't even explain how precious it was.

As you might imagine, we're all a bit of a mess around here. It will get better with time and God's grace, but for now, it's pretty messy. I honestly thought this would be easier because we've been kind of grieving all along, but that has not been the case. I know if we can just get through the next couple of weeks, things will get a little easier. We're having the burial service at 1:00 on Wednesday with the Memorial Service planned for Friday. I expect that this week will be especially difficult, but we have great friends and family lifting us up continually. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. I can't tell you how much your encouragement means.