New developments - may be tmi

Okay, I know it's only been a day since my last post, but these days, nothing stays the same for long. Yesterday, I was pondering the realities of either being induced early and giving birth to a breech baby (ouch) or having a C-section. Today, those scenarios seem much more real - my "plug" came out and I'm having pretty strong contractions anytime I'm not laying down.

I'm such a planner - it seems God is trying to teach me how to hold this situation loosely. Every time I've gone to the doctor (which is every 2 weeks), something changes. I sure am stubborn sometimes - you think I would be good at this by now. Good thing God is patient.

Dr appointment - 34 weeks

I was apprehensive about today. Doctor appointment days are always hard. This one was my last appointment with the doctor before she leaves the country. We tried to plan for the different contingencies as best as possible, but I have to say, it was awful. It's like planning your child's death. There's no good way to do it and it's hard to make decisions, knowing that you may regret them later. At this point, if Logan makes it to April 16th, she'll do a C-section that day. If he passes away sooner, they'll induce me. We've been pondering the options for months, but today, in talking about the details - it became very real. Four weeks - that's all I have left. On one hand, this has been the longest pregnancy, but on the other - no amount of time with him will be enough. I hate this and there's nothing that can make it any easier. Lord, help me to see your glory in this...

Lately...warning rant coming on

Okay, this may be a bit of a downer, but I started this blog in an attempt to help others who might find themselves in a similar situation and this is the truth of where I've been the last couple of days. I feel overwhelmed. With my due date looming ahead, I find that I want just one day of normalcy where I don't have to think about all the things I still need to do: get maternity pictures taken, determine a C-section date, plan a funeral... I think going out to the cemetary touched off this feeling of it all being too much. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel this way all day, but in the quietness of the house it starts creeping up on me.

I've had my brighter moments in the past few weeks too. The elders of our church prayed over me and annointed me with oil. It was wonderful and one of those moments that I know I'll always remember. Also, I contacted our pastor who has been on a medical journey of his own. He has been a real inspiration to me and even wrote an encouraging email back the next day. If you knew his condition, you'd understand just how amazing that is.

Lately, I've been coasting along, relying on others prayers for me. Perhaps, it's time to me to take up the fight again myself...

Tired at 32 weeks

I keep meaning to blog because there's so much to tell, but to be honest - I'm exhausted. Our family has been hit with a barrage of illnesses - strep throat, fever, ear infection (2x), sinus infection (3x), and pink eye to name the most recent. I'm sure the usual 3rd trimester weariness is playing a part; however, I think the biggest factor is what God has been doing in me. Sometimes, I give in/accept change rather well and, others not so graciously.

This time, I'm really trying to obey but finding it challenging. I had a freak out moment(s) when we found out that the amniotic fluid level dropped from a 7 to a 4.9. If Logan runs out of fluid, he’ll pass away prior to his due date. We had been planning in what little ways we could for a live birth up to this point, so I was devastated. I spent the day panicked. Then, a good friend sent me an email reminding me that no matter what decisions I or the doctor made, that Logan’s life and its timing was in God’s hands.

Since then, God has filled me with a peace that surpasses my circumstances.

The closer we get, the more time flies...

I'm almost 31 weeks and I'm not sure where the time went. It seems like my April due date is just around the corner. We've been able to confirm that Logan is breech (with little chance that he'll turn), so it appears a C-section is the way to go. It also increases our chance of having a live birth if he makes it that far.

We had a bit of a scare health-wise last week. The doctor thought I might have gall stones and ordered an ultrasound which came back negative. I think the stress of it all is getting to me and causing stomach pain as well as other infirmities. She was also looking to verify baby's position, as well as amniotic fluid level. I'm still waiting to hear back on the fluid level. We want to do our best to ensure he'll be alive at the birth so we'll get a little time with him. I'm told if the fluid decreases enough, he will pass away so we need to keep an eye on it.

Since my last update, I have emailed a contact at our church to request that they (as a church) pray for us. It's part of my "going public" with this trial we're in. Stepping out in faith...

28 weeks

Today God woke me up at 4 am. How do I know it was God you may be asking. Well, I AM NOT a morning person and not only did I wake up, but I felt called to open my Bible and read. For some reason, I began crying and saying to God, "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it." It's not that I don't have a reason to cry because this whole situation is pretty sad, but I was sobbing but not really feeling sad. It's hard to describe. Anyway, I feel like God is calling me to go public with this situation we're in. So far, I've told my friends and family, and anyone that I have regular contact with, but we haven't shared it with our church or anyone outside of the above groups. I guess I don't want to feel like I'm being talked about and have a tendency to keep certain things within my own group of friends.

Lately, I've been praying that God will show us a way to go through this in a way that honors Him. I'm guessing this is a step in that direction because it's definitely outside of my comfort zone...

27 weeks

At the moment, I'm going in to see the Dr every 2 weeks. I was having some trouble with my blood pressure being too high, but now it's only slightly high so I'm not sure why she's having me come in so often but it's nice to get an update. At last check, I was measuring 3 weeks ahead of schedule. Baby's heart rate had been in the 150's but has dropped to the 130's in the last month. I'm told it's still within normal range, but it seems odd to me. I'm still feeling baby's movements but they seem to be confined to specific periods, alot of movement then nothing for the rest of the day. This pregnancy has been so unlike my others it's hard to know what to expect.

I'm doing okay most of the time. Lately, I've been feeling pressure to get "final arrangements" made, but I'm really resisting it. Perhaps I'm back in a stage of denial hoping this'll all go away and I can have a healthy child. I'm finding that I'm still drawn to babies but am not making an effort to pick them up. I offered a friend some of our baby stuff as she got rid of hers - thinking they were done. I was fine until I starting thinking about the crib; for some reason it holds more emotion for me and I can't even talk about it without welling up. I keep reminding myself that it's normal to feel sadness at times and that this isn't supposed to be easy, but I still feel frustrated with this process.