Tonight I was folding my Bella Band, thinking I should bring it in for consignment and a wave of longing and grief hit me. I miss Logan. And I’m angry that we didn’t get more time. I never even got to change his diaper. A simple act; one that a mom performs thousands of times, never thinking about what a blessing it is. I know I didn’t.
Princess B is the baby of a friend that is 5 days older than Logan would be. She smiles and rolled over on Sunday for the first time. Logan would be doing those kinds of things if he’d been healthy. Instead, I have a small tub from the hospital with baby shampoo and lotion that was used once. It sits on my nightstand mocking me. At some point, I’ll probably put them away but for now they are there to remind me - that no so long ago, I had this little blessing inside me that my arms ache to hold again.
As I sit crying, writing this, a song from church pops in my head as though God is telling me that even in this I need to praise him. I’m not sure of the title, but the lyrics (to my best recollection) are:
You are stronger. You are stronger.
Sin is broken, You have saved me.
It is written. Christ is risen.
Jesus, you are Lord of all.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The importance of God
Life has been so busy lately. We taken a few overnight trips to the beach, been at three Vacation Bible Schools, a weekly library activity, and a week and a half of Safety camp for E. I had planned to keep the kids busy through the summer so they wouldn’t get bored or fight as much, but I think I overshot it a bit. There have been weeks where we were hardly home.
B and I went to a day camp last Saturday put on by the local hospice service. It was a full day of talking about loss, learning how to deal with our own grieving and guide our kids through that same process. It was helpful and I got a lot of insight into how B might perceive Logan’s death from a seven-year-old’s perspective. The one thing that was missing from the teaching was God. They tried to stay pretty neutral on the subject and it was not a faith-based institution sponsoring the event, so I expected as much, but it’s so hard to talk about loss without including the hope of Christ. It was like going to a seminar about baking and never getting to see something come out of the oven.
There were a lot of people there that were Christians and talked pretty openly about faith, but about half did not. There seemed to be a deeper sadness felt by those that weren’t believers. This is completely subjective of course. I guess it’s a good reminder that so much of my healing is all about God.
B and I went to a day camp last Saturday put on by the local hospice service. It was a full day of talking about loss, learning how to deal with our own grieving and guide our kids through that same process. It was helpful and I got a lot of insight into how B might perceive Logan’s death from a seven-year-old’s perspective. The one thing that was missing from the teaching was God. They tried to stay pretty neutral on the subject and it was not a faith-based institution sponsoring the event, so I expected as much, but it’s so hard to talk about loss without including the hope of Christ. It was like going to a seminar about baking and never getting to see something come out of the oven.
There were a lot of people there that were Christians and talked pretty openly about faith, but about half did not. There seemed to be a deeper sadness felt by those that weren’t believers. This is completely subjective of course. I guess it’s a good reminder that so much of my healing is all about God.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Struggling
I have been trying not to be angry. Even before we knew about Logan’s diagnosis, I made a decision I was not going to be angry at God. I didn’t want my faith to be affected in a negative way by Logan’s death. Today, I had a realization that it’s okay to be angry about Logan’s death because God is probably angry too. He didn’t intend for us to be separated from one another by death. That’s why this feels so unnatural and difficult. It was never supposed to be this way and wasn’t, until sin entered the world. I’ve decided that it’s okay to be angry because my anger isn’t directed at God, but at sin. Sin is the cause of my pain - in more ways than this one.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
When it rains...
I haven’t blogged in a while partly because life has been so busy and partly because I haven’t felt led to. (I didn’t want you to worry.) But for the past week, I’ve been composing things in my mind.
You know how you have those times where you know you’re being tested and others where you can see it retrospectively? That’s where we’re sitting right now...the former. A week ago I was attending B’s last track practice chatting with another mom when I heard screaming coming from the end of the field. You know how you can recognize your child’s scream among a crowd? Well, this was one of those moments. B was being carried by a friend’s dad and holding her arm. She had tripped over a hurdle during practice and clearly broken it. We rushed to the ER and spent the next 2 ½ hours waiting to see the doctor with only an ice pack. According to an EMT there, it was a banner day for visits. Did I mention it was also the last day of school?
Anyway, we finally got to see the doctor who quickly referred us to the orthopedic doctor who was being called in. Why they couldn’t have looked at her x-ray, verified the break, and called the doctor in earlier I’ll never know. The anesthesiologist came and put B out so the orthopedic physician could reduce and set her arm. I think she’d been screaming for about 45 minutes at that point and we were so relieved to see her out of pain. I have never felt such gratitude since seeing the anesthesiologist when I was in labor. He was the highlight of the trip. To sum up, she now has a bright blue cast on her arm for the next 5 weeks, but is doing better all the time.
Now for this week - my DH came home on Monday to let me know that he’s been laid off. We have no idea how long this layoff is going to last, but are really trying to brainstorm and pray A LOT. I’m sure you can imagine how unsettling this is for a one-income household, especially in the wake of our medical issues. God is faithful and He is good. That’s what I keep repeating to myself. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we face this new test.
You know how you have those times where you know you’re being tested and others where you can see it retrospectively? That’s where we’re sitting right now...the former. A week ago I was attending B’s last track practice chatting with another mom when I heard screaming coming from the end of the field. You know how you can recognize your child’s scream among a crowd? Well, this was one of those moments. B was being carried by a friend’s dad and holding her arm. She had tripped over a hurdle during practice and clearly broken it. We rushed to the ER and spent the next 2 ½ hours waiting to see the doctor with only an ice pack. According to an EMT there, it was a banner day for visits. Did I mention it was also the last day of school?
Anyway, we finally got to see the doctor who quickly referred us to the orthopedic doctor who was being called in. Why they couldn’t have looked at her x-ray, verified the break, and called the doctor in earlier I’ll never know. The anesthesiologist came and put B out so the orthopedic physician could reduce and set her arm. I think she’d been screaming for about 45 minutes at that point and we were so relieved to see her out of pain. I have never felt such gratitude since seeing the anesthesiologist when I was in labor. He was the highlight of the trip. To sum up, she now has a bright blue cast on her arm for the next 5 weeks, but is doing better all the time.
Now for this week - my DH came home on Monday to let me know that he’s been laid off. We have no idea how long this layoff is going to last, but are really trying to brainstorm and pray A LOT. I’m sure you can imagine how unsettling this is for a one-income household, especially in the wake of our medical issues. God is faithful and He is good. That’s what I keep repeating to myself. Please continue to keep us in your prayers as we face this new test.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Hiding
I've been thinking about blogging for a while, but to be honest, I've been hiding. I wouldn't say I've so much turned away from God but I've been hiding out, not wanting to deal with anything. God has not turned away from me though. I know He's still here waiting patiently for me to turn back to Him. I'm just not experiencing Him fully as I can when I surrender to Him. Sorry if that doesn't make sense - it's logical in my own head.
I think I've been hiding because the main feeling I've been having lately is anger. It's an uncomfortable feeling, especially because it's not really directed at someone that I can work on resolving it with like you would any other situation. I don't blame God for what happened to Logan. I fully believe He could have healed him and allowed it to happen for what is probably many reasons. I also know He is sovereign and wants what is best for us. That being said, I don't agree. I would much rather have my child alive and in my arms, than holding onto a brief memory and an empty blanket. Like I've said, life is messy right now. On that note, I want to thank you. It really helps to write this out - get it out of my head - and know that others care and are praying for us.
Life goes on and it's a good thing, but there is still a part of me that is standing still. A part of me that notices every baby that goes by and sees it as a reminder of what is waiting for me in Heaven.
I think I've been hiding because the main feeling I've been having lately is anger. It's an uncomfortable feeling, especially because it's not really directed at someone that I can work on resolving it with like you would any other situation. I don't blame God for what happened to Logan. I fully believe He could have healed him and allowed it to happen for what is probably many reasons. I also know He is sovereign and wants what is best for us. That being said, I don't agree. I would much rather have my child alive and in my arms, than holding onto a brief memory and an empty blanket. Like I've said, life is messy right now. On that note, I want to thank you. It really helps to write this out - get it out of my head - and know that others care and are praying for us.
Life goes on and it's a good thing, but there is still a part of me that is standing still. A part of me that notices every baby that goes by and sees it as a reminder of what is waiting for me in Heaven.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Later...
I took a break to attend church and feel much less disconnected than I have in a while. Going back to my last post, I have an idea. I'm going to try to listen more closely for the Holy Spirit's "voice," whether he leads me to get down on my knees in prayer at any given moment, to perform an act of kindness, or to pray for someone who is on my mind. I warn you so that if we're in conversation and I suddenly get down on my knees, you won't think I've lost it...
7 weeks out
We've been having some computer problems so I'm a little behind in writing. To be honest, I'm in a place where I'm feeling a little dry and am not sure I have much to say. God felt so close through most of my pregnancy and for the first couple weeks after Logan's death. I could actually sense His presence comforting me. Now, at times, it feels like He has forgotten me. I usually tell myself that God doesn't leave so I must have moved, but in this case, I think it's not that I've moved but that God has stepped away to lead me somewhere else. I guess this is to be continued...
I have come to realize what a comfort my friends are through this, especially those that have walked this path before me. There is a sense of loneliness in going through this -- actually, I think grief in general makes you feel isolated. Perhaps it's just one of those lies that the Father of Lies tells us - that no one understands and we are forgotten. Hmmm. Anyway, I have had this reoccurring thought about something I heard Shiela Walsh say at a Women of Faith conference some years ago - our scars are not for us, but for others - they are there to help other people. I'm seeing this in action as people that have offered to share their stories with me. It is so comforting to know others have been here and are able to heal.
I have come to realize what a comfort my friends are through this, especially those that have walked this path before me. There is a sense of loneliness in going through this -- actually, I think grief in general makes you feel isolated. Perhaps it's just one of those lies that the Father of Lies tells us - that no one understands and we are forgotten. Hmmm. Anyway, I have had this reoccurring thought about something I heard Shiela Walsh say at a Women of Faith conference some years ago - our scars are not for us, but for others - they are there to help other people. I'm seeing this in action as people that have offered to share their stories with me. It is so comforting to know others have been here and are able to heal.
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