The closer we get, the more time flies...

I'm almost 31 weeks and I'm not sure where the time went. It seems like my April due date is just around the corner. We've been able to confirm that Logan is breech (with little chance that he'll turn), so it appears a C-section is the way to go. It also increases our chance of having a live birth if he makes it that far.

We had a bit of a scare health-wise last week. The doctor thought I might have gall stones and ordered an ultrasound which came back negative. I think the stress of it all is getting to me and causing stomach pain as well as other infirmities. She was also looking to verify baby's position, as well as amniotic fluid level. I'm still waiting to hear back on the fluid level. We want to do our best to ensure he'll be alive at the birth so we'll get a little time with him. I'm told if the fluid decreases enough, he will pass away so we need to keep an eye on it.

Since my last update, I have emailed a contact at our church to request that they (as a church) pray for us. It's part of my "going public" with this trial we're in. Stepping out in faith...

28 weeks

Today God woke me up at 4 am. How do I know it was God you may be asking. Well, I AM NOT a morning person and not only did I wake up, but I felt called to open my Bible and read. For some reason, I began crying and saying to God, "Whatever you want me to do, I'll do it." It's not that I don't have a reason to cry because this whole situation is pretty sad, but I was sobbing but not really feeling sad. It's hard to describe. Anyway, I feel like God is calling me to go public with this situation we're in. So far, I've told my friends and family, and anyone that I have regular contact with, but we haven't shared it with our church or anyone outside of the above groups. I guess I don't want to feel like I'm being talked about and have a tendency to keep certain things within my own group of friends.

Lately, I've been praying that God will show us a way to go through this in a way that honors Him. I'm guessing this is a step in that direction because it's definitely outside of my comfort zone...

27 weeks

At the moment, I'm going in to see the Dr every 2 weeks. I was having some trouble with my blood pressure being too high, but now it's only slightly high so I'm not sure why she's having me come in so often but it's nice to get an update. At last check, I was measuring 3 weeks ahead of schedule. Baby's heart rate had been in the 150's but has dropped to the 130's in the last month. I'm told it's still within normal range, but it seems odd to me. I'm still feeling baby's movements but they seem to be confined to specific periods, alot of movement then nothing for the rest of the day. This pregnancy has been so unlike my others it's hard to know what to expect.

I'm doing okay most of the time. Lately, I've been feeling pressure to get "final arrangements" made, but I'm really resisting it. Perhaps I'm back in a stage of denial hoping this'll all go away and I can have a healthy child. I'm finding that I'm still drawn to babies but am not making an effort to pick them up. I offered a friend some of our baby stuff as she got rid of hers - thinking they were done. I was fine until I starting thinking about the crib; for some reason it holds more emotion for me and I can't even talk about it without welling up. I keep reminding myself that it's normal to feel sadness at times and that this isn't supposed to be easy, but I still feel frustrated with this process.

Updated results

Well, still no word on the gender so I suppose we'll just assume it's a boy until delivery. The doctor returned my call to answer all of my questions so I didn't have to wait until my next appointment - how awesome is she?

Anyway, I'm 22 weeks, but the baby's head is measuring about 18 weeks and the abdomen is measuring about 28 weeks. The bad news is that my amniotic fluid index is down to a 7. Normal range is between 8 - 18 and it typically drops off the closer you get to delivery. I'm assuming it's quite early for me to be so low. If the level drops too low, it puts stress on the baby and could result in preterm death. I know it'll happen one way or another it's just strange to think about it happening sooner rather than later.

Ultrasound results?

Well, we went to a local hospital for an ultrasound to determine why I'm measuring so large. DH and I figured it was due to the size of the baby's polycystic kidneys, but the doctor wanted to confirm why. We wanted to find out the gender as the last ultrasound was inconclusive.

The technician was very nice but seemed a little inexperienced. I'm not sure if it made her nervous dealing with someone with a diagnosis like ours or if she was just new. She wouldn't really confirm much, but just kept referring us to ask our doctor. The last ultrasound tech (at a specialist's office) was able to answer all our questions so I guess we were expecting more. At first she told us it was a girl, but wasn't 100% sure. When she double-checked, she said it was most likely a boy. Okay...which is it...

Anyway, we'll know more after talking to the doctor, but it appears that we were correct about the size of the baby's abdomen being large - causing me to be large. I'm not sure what kind of ramifications this will have on my labor, but I guess we'll figure that out in due time.

Coping I'm sure...

I'm finding it's easier to look forward than to just sit with what is. I've already decided that I'm going to get back into running when I'm able, post-partum. I grew up attending marathons to watch my dad run and entered a few (much) shorter events myself, then began running more corporately, in junior high and through high school.

I still manage to jog in a 5k event every year, but really haven't gotten into it like I was. I guess what I'm thinking is that I miss running and I don't want to end this experience saddled with some (not needed) extra weight. I need something to look forward to.

This blog

I set this blog up a couple of years ago, but haven't used it. I thought I'd have so much to say, but apparently that is not the case - until now. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant with a baby that has a lethal diagnosis, Meckel-Gruber syndrome. Baby is expected to die in utero or shortly thereafter due to multiple defects. We found out about a month ago and it has been a long 4 weeks. Although I know we're making the right decision in continuing this pregnancy, in theory it sounded so much easier than the reality of it.

Some days are fairly normal and others I spend on and off in tears. Today is a little of both. We're home-bound due to snow/ice on the roads and I've been trying to take advantage and get some chores done. Then my 4 year-old brings me back to the reality of the situation by asking if, “…the baby can sleep in his room please.” I so wish I could say yes instead of reminding him that the baby is going to go up to Heaven right after being born...