It's coming...

I can feel it.  Yesterday I was fine.  I knew Logan's birthday was approaching, but other than not sleeping well, was pretty okay.  Today...today I hardly know how I am.  I keep forgetting things and am very unfocused.  A friend asked me to give her daughter a ride to school for tomorrow and it's taking all my brain power to keep that reminder in my head.  I keep reliving this week - one year ago.  I started having contractions and back labor on this day last year.  I had experienced both previously but for some reason I was in denial.  I kept telling myself I couldn't be in labor because I still had a whole month to go.

If you see me this week and ask me how I am, know that you will probably get the response, "I'm fine."  I don't know how to answer that any other way right now.  Just give me a hug and expect a few tears.  That's just where I am.

Where to start...

I don't even know where to begin. Today...I guess that's a good place to start. Today I am sad, emotional, happy, and even angry. Logan's birthday is coming up and I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that's it's been a whole year. At this time last year, I was already dealing with back labor, not realizing that it was more than just Braxton Hicks contractions. Ah, I'll relive that another day.

Today we're dealing with the aftermath of having the tubal ligation when Logan was born. Not to talk for my husband, but he's feeling it too. A friend recently asked me if I regretted having it done - my reply was that I know it was probably the wise decision but it's not what I want(ed). I rejoice for my friends that are having babies, but at the same time mourn the loss of not being able to carry another one. Even with all the worries and uncertainty, the morning sickness that went on all day, and feeling like a whale towards the end, I miss it. I'm sure some of those feeling are felt more strongly because they're also mixed up in my feelings of grief over Logan.

We're trying to decide how to mark his birthday. I'm sure the kids will have some great ideas. One of the things I plan to do is go through his album. I opened it the other day and realized that it's been a while. Not that I haven't been thinking about him every day, but I hadn't looked at any of the pictures with the exception of the ones we have around the house. I love you my sweet, sweet child and miss you every day. The laundry room is calling my name - life doesn't stop for those who are grieving so we have to move along with it. Till next time...