It's coming...

I can feel it.  Yesterday I was fine.  I knew Logan's birthday was approaching, but other than not sleeping well, was pretty okay.  Today...today I hardly know how I am.  I keep forgetting things and am very unfocused.  A friend asked me to give her daughter a ride to school for tomorrow and it's taking all my brain power to keep that reminder in my head.  I keep reliving this week - one year ago.  I started having contractions and back labor on this day last year.  I had experienced both previously but for some reason I was in denial.  I kept telling myself I couldn't be in labor because I still had a whole month to go.

If you see me this week and ask me how I am, know that you will probably get the response, "I'm fine."  I don't know how to answer that any other way right now.  Just give me a hug and expect a few tears.  That's just where I am.

Where to start...

I don't even know where to begin. Today...I guess that's a good place to start. Today I am sad, emotional, happy, and even angry. Logan's birthday is coming up and I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that's it's been a whole year. At this time last year, I was already dealing with back labor, not realizing that it was more than just Braxton Hicks contractions. Ah, I'll relive that another day.

Today we're dealing with the aftermath of having the tubal ligation when Logan was born. Not to talk for my husband, but he's feeling it too. A friend recently asked me if I regretted having it done - my reply was that I know it was probably the wise decision but it's not what I want(ed). I rejoice for my friends that are having babies, but at the same time mourn the loss of not being able to carry another one. Even with all the worries and uncertainty, the morning sickness that went on all day, and feeling like a whale towards the end, I miss it. I'm sure some of those feeling are felt more strongly because they're also mixed up in my feelings of grief over Logan.

We're trying to decide how to mark his birthday. I'm sure the kids will have some great ideas. One of the things I plan to do is go through his album. I opened it the other day and realized that it's been a while. Not that I haven't been thinking about him every day, but I hadn't looked at any of the pictures with the exception of the ones we have around the house. I love you my sweet, sweet child and miss you every day. The laundry room is calling my name - life doesn't stop for those who are grieving so we have to move along with it. Till next time...

Remiss

Okay, so I've obviously taken a break from writing. Life has been busy and, to be honest, it's been a hard season. Usually, I love the Christmas season, the joy it holds, the decorations, the hope that we have because of Jesus' birth. In my head, I keep thinking, "I should really be joyful. Because Jesus came, I'll get to see my kids and my sister in Heaven again." Should being the operative word. Not that I don't believe what I'm telling myself, I'm just not feeling it. It's okay, I know I'll get back there at some point. I guess I have hope instead of joy this year.

I finally accomplished something I've been putting off since April - I ordered Logan's headstone. He now has a temporary stone marking his grave. We finally went out to see it and bring flowers last weekend. I felt so at peace seeing his name there. I have been feeling bad about leaving his grave unmarked for months, but wasn't really ready for the closure that comes with ordering the headstone. I'm still working on the design for the final marker, but hope to be done with it this week. That's the goal.

We've all been taking turns being sick over the Christmas break, so I'm really looking forward to getting back into the old routine. Till next week...

Status update

Today I'm getting caught up on my postings. That's why there's more than one showing up if you're wondering. I haven't been writing as often because the words aren't coming as easily. And we've been dealing with getting ready for school to start and all the things that come with the preparation. Mostly though, I'm just in the muck of it. I have to write somewhat retrospectively and I'm just not there yet - on the other side of this particular dip in the valley. Don't worry, I have hope and faith that I'll see the other side. Thanks for your continued prayers.

Grief is not pretty

Tonight I was folding my Bella Band, thinking I should bring it in for consignment and a wave of longing and grief hit me. I miss Logan. And I’m angry that we didn’t get more time. I never even got to change his diaper. A simple act; one that a mom performs thousands of times, never thinking about what a blessing it is. I know I didn’t.

Princess B is the baby of a friend that is 5 days older than Logan would be. She smiles and rolled over on Sunday for the first time. Logan would be doing those kinds of things if he’d been healthy. Instead, I have a small tub from the hospital with baby shampoo and lotion that was used once. It sits on my nightstand mocking me. At some point, I’ll probably put them away but for now they are there to remind me - that no so long ago, I had this little blessing inside me that my arms ache to hold again.

As I sit crying, writing this, a song from church pops in my head as though God is telling me that even in this I need to praise him. I’m not sure of the title, but the lyrics (to my best recollection) are:

You are stronger. You are stronger.
Sin is broken, You have saved me.
It is written. Christ is risen.
Jesus, you are Lord of all.

The importance of God

Life has been so busy lately. We taken a few overnight trips to the beach, been at three Vacation Bible Schools, a weekly library activity, and a week and a half of Safety camp for E. I had planned to keep the kids busy through the summer so they wouldn’t get bored or fight as much, but I think I overshot it a bit. There have been weeks where we were hardly home.

B and I went to a day camp last Saturday put on by the local hospice service. It was a full day of talking about loss, learning how to deal with our own grieving and guide our kids through that same process. It was helpful and I got a lot of insight into how B might perceive Logan’s death from a seven-year-old’s perspective. The one thing that was missing from the teaching was God. They tried to stay pretty neutral on the subject and it was not a faith-based institution sponsoring the event, so I expected as much, but it’s so hard to talk about loss without including the hope of Christ. It was like going to a seminar about baking and never getting to see something come out of the oven.

There were a lot of people there that were Christians and talked pretty openly about faith, but about half did not. There seemed to be a deeper sadness felt by those that weren’t believers. This is completely subjective of course. I guess it’s a good reminder that so much of my healing is all about God.

Struggling

I have been trying not to be angry. Even before we knew about Logan’s diagnosis, I made a decision I was not going to be angry at God. I didn’t want my faith to be affected in a negative way by Logan’s death. Today, I had a realization that it’s okay to be angry about Logan’s death because God is probably angry too. He didn’t intend for us to be separated from one another by death. That’s why this feels so unnatural and difficult. It was never supposed to be this way and wasn’t, until sin entered the world. I’ve decided that it’s okay to be angry because my anger isn’t directed at God, but at sin. Sin is the cause of my pain - in more ways than this one.